PTSD/Substance Abuse Committee Update January/February 2021
BY THOMAS C. HALL, PH.D., CHAIR
The holiday season, coupled with the impact of almost a year of isolation and loneliness because of the pandemic, has had an impact on our ability to communicate. As we enter this New Year, now more than ever it is important to work hard to communicate truly and authentically.
The committee has seen reports of massive increases in calls to veteran crisis lines, so we know that many veterans are reaching out for help. You have probably heard about VA’s #BETHERE campaign, urging friends to be there to help when a veteran needs someone to talk to. We would like to share some ways to be there for your brothers and sisters during these wintry months as we finish riding out this pandemic.
When speaking with others it can be easy to brush off the how-are-you question with “I’m fine,” or “I’m good,” when really, what we need most is to be honest about how and what we are feeling. Or as I like to say, we should flush our mental toilet and get that stinking thinking out. Doing so not only allows us to bring our deeper or isolating thoughts up to the light of day, but also opens the window for others to be authentic and open with you.
Opening up and being honest about our feelings and concerns brings the risk of being judged, misheard, or rejected. Vulnerability like this can be scary and uncomfortable.
The bargain is this: You can keep the misery you have and feel the pain get worse, or you can take the risk of experiencing the initial pains associated with engaging with those who care about you and then engage in more satisfying conversations.
I want to prepare you: Talking more deeply about what is going on can initially make your pain get worse, but then it will begin to dissolve. But by holding it in, you have no option for relief from those feelings and that pain.
As always, the choice to share or not is ours. I compare taking the risk of sharing your feelings to taking your weapon to an armorer to adjust its functioning so it will have less chance of failing in the field. For a while, without your weapon, you may feel naked and anxious. No way around it. But you want your weapon to work at maximum efficiency to protect you and those who depend on you.
So think of your brain as that service weapon. It is worth some discomfort to have a better quality of life.
KNOWING WHAT TO SAY
For many of us, knowing what to say to deepen conversations eludes us. In a recent New York Times column David Brooks shares seven ways to raise your satisfaction in a conversation:
Approach all conversations with awe
Ask open-ended questions
Make your conversation partner an author, not a witness
Give all of your attention
Learn to be comfortable with pauses
Dig deeper to learn the underlying cause of disagreements
Listen and support others so they can get their thoughts out
As a mental health professional I am trained in the art of listening. Even so, I learned new ways to communicate in the Brooks column. In fact, I found myself a little surprised that it worked when I used one of them to have a deeper conversation with someone I care about.
The committee hopes our physical isolation will end soon. We know that physical isolation does not mean we must be emotionally or psychologically isolated. We will once again have conversations face to face. Consider incorporating one or two of these methods into your conversations. Be brave, be open, and be vulnerable, and share your feelings with others. Remember: We, just like those we care about, are more than any one thought or feeling. We can all survive this together.
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